6.67 20 108 2 -34

Needless to say, she didn't survive. A four day old beautiful baby girl. The most heart wrenching code I've been involved with in a long time. I did compressions for 45 minutes, my fingers hurt so bad, but I didn't want to stop.
Mom was begging us,

"please don't stop. Just a little bit longer, please."

It was horrible. Dad said,

"are you fucking kidding me?"

They just thought their baby wasn't feeding well.

In a blink...their lives are changed forever.

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Compromises

So I changed jobs a few months ago. I left a job that I loved to work
closer to home. To save 3+ hours of drive time. To be able to spend
more time with my family. To save money on gas and wear & tear on my
car. All perfectly good reasons to work at a hospital 10 minutes away.

Today I regret that decision. I want an oscillator to manage. I want
to give surfactant. I want the rush of hurrying down the hall for a
crash section. I want the uneasiness of picking up a baby from another
hospital and not really knowing what you are gonna get. I want a baby
who constantly desats. I want 24 week twins. I want to make
decisions. I want to tell residents what I'm going to do. I want a
gastroscheisis. I want bncpap. I want NO. I want to do a PDA ligation.
I even want to see the attending. I want to be so busy I could just
cry. Where my legs cramp at night because I haven't sat down all day.

I guess I'm just feeling inadequate today at my new hospital. No
preemies here to take care of. No comfort zone for me. I don't know
how to manage an adult with a cuffless track on a vent. I don't know
how to do cpt on an adult. I don't know about Brovana. I don't like
taking care of old people. I don't like giving report to the whole
group.

But on the flip side, I guess I am getting good at chest compressions.
I am getting good at breathing treatments. I am getting good at EKGs.
I am getting good at sudoku & crossword puzzles. I am getting good at
sitting around doing absolutely nothing most of the day. Like right
now. I'm at work and have plenty of time to sit and blog on my phone.

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Too attached

I never thought I would get attached to an adult patient. Today he was
moved to ICU. Tonight all I am doing is worrying about him.

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